This is Depression.

I look at myself in the mirror , and I pity the reflection I see. The one where I look like sadness has taken over my entire being and colored me in blue. I can’t remember when it started. I believe it creeped into me gradually, and then grew to control me faster.

I have everything, I shouldn’t complain. A home, a wonderful family, friends, education, job, a car, a dog. But what I lack is love. No, everybody loves me. I am at the receiving end of love. But do I spread love? No. I am like a terminal illness, slowly attacking and killing everything in my wake. But I cannot stop.

I hate myself, I hate my life. These are constant thoughts that keep clouding my mind. What I bring to this world is darkness. I hate my home. I hate being with family. I hate laughing with my friends. I see no purpose with my education. I want to give up my job. I haven’t used my car in a days. I don’t talk to my dog. This is me now. The new me.

The old me loved all that I did. Loved to talk, laugh and simply be. But that life is over. I don’t know what changed me. I don’t know why this is happening. I am in doubt myself. I have just as many questions as you have, but I don’t have answers to any. I know you can see through me. I know you can feel the change in me. You feel hurt and pain by the way I behave, by the way I shut myself off from everything. But what you don’t know is I am lost, while you are thinking ‘it’s a phase’.

But it is not just a phase. I don’t love what I used to love. I don’t want to be around people anymore. I don’t want to do anything, in fact. I don’t even want to eat or shower. Everyday I struggle to go through life and make it look like everything is ok.

I want to reach out and tell you how I feel. But I choke on my words each time. My voice closes of and I can’t make a sound. I want you to know, I am in trouble. I know I am in trouble. This has been going on for far too long now. It’s nearing the end. I am nearing the end. My thoughts these days are dark and gruesome. I need help. I am crying for help. But no one can hear me.

This is depression.
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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Wow, it takes strength and courage to share such personal thoughts and emotions.
    You’re going through a tough time, no doubt about it, and you find it hard to speak but you express yourself through words perfectly.

    I think you need to go back to the beginning, back to where your light was starting to fade. That’s where you’ll find your answers and then hopefully you’ll find your way back again… back to you!

    Stay strong, Best wishes x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I can assure you that as the author, I am not going through the said topic. But I am well versed with the subject as I come across many affected in my line of work. Thank you for your concern. Much appreciated. Please share, like and follow.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh wow! A great author for sure. Your words speak such truth and emotion. Truly touching and it’s great to see you share the experiences of those affected in such a vulnerable and heartfelt way. I thank you for sharing.

        Liked by 1 person

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